Lemony Snicket, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events, the purportedly true chronicles of the Baudelaire children, was reported today by anonymous and possibly unreliable sources. His age was given as “tall, with brown eyes.” He leaves no known survivors.
Born on a cattle farm rather than in a hospital, Snicket had a promising scholarly career, beginning with a job as a theatrical critic - in all sense of the word - for this very newspaper, followed by the publication of several promising anthropomorphic treatises, a word which here means “very long reports.” This period of professional contentment- and, allegedly, unrequited love - ended when news broke of his involvement with V.F.D. and the accompanying scandal was reported in these very pages.
Mr. Snicket became a fugitive from justice and was rarely seen in public, and then usually from the back. Several manhunts - and, due to a typographical error, womanhunts - proved fruitless. At last the Baudelaires’ story, and his, appears to be over.
As no one seems to know when, where, how, and why he died, there will be no funeral services. A burial may be scheduled later this year.